An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
For the baby who has everything
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.