An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
yeah no that’s fair
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.