Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.