Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

August 8

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.