Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

Had a spot of bother earlier.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

that de-escalated quickly

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.