An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Yup.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I hope they boil the right one.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.