An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.