Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

Worth the read.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

I have many caverns

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.