An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”