An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
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David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time