An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
found this cool rock hiking today
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton