*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Nomnomnomnom
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
That lamp looks PISSED.
