*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I know this now 😂
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.