Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

the answer was staring at me all along

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.