An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
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Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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The Weeknd is back
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3