An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign