An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
work smarter, not harder
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS