Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

ugh not again

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.