Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

All generalizations are stupid.