An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
my astrological sign is a french fry
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it