An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”