An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
A drum solo but on your face.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying