an octopus is just a wet spider
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names