an octopus is just a wet spider
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The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Plant care tips
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”