An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.