Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl