An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby