An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Lol.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.