Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

This kid is going places

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

when revenge coincides with naptime

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken