[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.