[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I’m not stressed
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.