Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.