An odd boast
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend