An odd boast
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[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.