An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
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confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My last name is Zilla.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
I miss having a cat. I used to refer to him as my roommate because it always made me laugh seeing peoples faces when I’d tell them my roommate pooped on the kitchen counter or my roommate keeps giving me dead birds.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.