An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
this is what they would have looked like, though
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are