An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that