An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.