An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness