Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.