Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

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(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.