An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
You Might Also Like
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here