An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
You Might Also Like
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it