The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God