Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Great acting.. 😂

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

True

Wake me when AI does housework

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

put ‘er there pardner!

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie