Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”