Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.