Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

me adding lol on a serious message

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.