Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo