[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.