Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

this could fix me

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.