An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]