An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Frog purse.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon