Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”