Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

[eats all your cotton candy]