Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants