An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
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If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.