Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

W

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right