An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I created you as mosquito food.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
(Musicians.)
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME