Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”