Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately