An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
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If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
When they try to steal your moment.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
👽
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.