Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand