Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.