An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You Might Also Like
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!