Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

tis the season

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.