Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

We need it on priority

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

welcome back

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

WWE is French for “yes”

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”