An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
True statement👍😏😁
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
So we got a goldfish…
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!