An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
You Might Also Like
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
What kind of a cult is this?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.