An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
logging onto twitter…
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.