An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.