an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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why am I working on Labor Day
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
the worm is coming from inside the brain
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.