an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
True freaking story!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Ferrari squats
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart