Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

I’m putting together a team

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.