an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Steam Forums
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok