an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.