An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.