An owl showing some catlike behavior.
You Might Also Like
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch