An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
first you must answer his riddles
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar