An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.