An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
this makes me so uncomfortable
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions