An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared